This pell-mell stampede toward reducing everything to a list is killing me. Are we that stupid? Is the media that cynical? Are we now god damn babies who can’t think or attend to anything unless it’s in bullet format?
Hell: 12 reasons your God is angry with you
Cereal: is it good for us? 7 things to know
Life: top 10 reasons we’re unbelievably fucked
“Ebola: 5 reasons not to panic” is in my top 12 most ludicrous things I’ve ever read anywhere. I’ve got to stop consuming media. I’m prepared to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Seven reasons I should throw the baby out with the bathwater, news at 11.
Yes, everyone, here’s how to make eight million dollars on Kickstarter. First, take the money you would have spent to set up your Kickstarter, then put it all on black. Win. Repeat this action 18 or 19 times in a row. That is how you personally will make eight million dollars on Kickstarter.
I could have sworn I went through the newsroom and fired all these children.
READ THIS, WATCH THAT
If you’re too busy to click through to the guide, I’ve distilled its essence, dumped it down the kitchen sink, and replaced it with a more concise, useful guide: “1. stop worrying about stupid bullshit that doesn’t apply to you. Gomer.”
And I’ve written my own media guide entitled “A Guide for Media Writers re Ebola Outbreak.” It starts like this: “1. Suck my dick.”
Have you noticed the quality of this blog has shot through the roof lately?
“I don’t give a flying fuck at a rat’s ass”
Although it saddens me to discover that phrase doesn’t google empty.
1. outlive David Attenborough.
2. outlive Queen Elizabeth II
My goals have sort of telescoped the last few years.
“WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THAT UNGRATEFUL COCKSUCKER?” — Henry II
“My name is Lex Luthor.” –Satan, Mark 5/9
“THAT GUY CALLS HIMSELF A FUCKING WRITER. AND SHE CAN’T FUCKING WRITE, EITHER.” –Mark Twain on James Fenimore Cooper and Jane Austen
“Hey, what is that, a .44 magnum?” –Macbeth
“Call me Lex Luthor.” –Herman Melville
“Things are going alright, I suppose.” –Charles Dickens
I missed the 10 year anniversary of this blog by a month.
Ten years turns out to be a long time.
Come on, you assholes! Brontosaurus! BRONTOSAURUS!
“Ebola’s symptoms: Five you need to know”
Actual headline on cnn.com.
“Martian Invasion: will the Dow be affected?” can’t be far behind.
First of all, I’d walk through the newsroom and fire everyone tapping on their cellphones. You and you and you. And you there. Also you.
That’s pretty much the only step.