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My cartoon-gland is just about played out, but I did want to comment on Darby Conley’s use of anatomically-correct symbols for the letters in the word “Hell.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen that in a comic strip before. Tricky, but practically unnecessary for the word. Now, if somebody’d try their hand at “shit” or “fuck,” I will be impressed.

“Beetle, dig this hole.”
“£ü¢≠ you, Sarge.”

Psycho Path voted weirdest street name

Pitiful, just pitiful. When my curmudgeonhood culminates and I finally put my house at the end of Gorilla Shit Industrial Incline, this contest will be in the bag.

The source poll is here.

There’s a lot to say about this strip, but, in the end, I knew the Best Blondie Ever would have Daisy in it.

Is it happening? I have scant trust that my emails are getting through to your new address. Beers during Mardi Gras! Beers during Mardi Gras! BEERS DURING MARDI GRAS!

Oh, and happy birthday!

PistolWimp – AYDS: America

I remember this commercial. I don’t remember it being so funny. And I guess the weird and irritating use of the word “question” to preface a question has been around longer than I thought.

I tried to find out what happened to Ayds, but I failed. The closest I could come was this NYT article saying that Jeffrey Martin Inc had sold the candy to Dep Corporation, and that Dep was “seeking a new name for its product because publicity about the deadly disease AIDS is hurting sales.”

The CEO of Jeffrey Martin Inc, a guy named Martin Himmel, went on to sell Gold Bond Powder (a product that is somehow linked to BC Powder, bumpkins, and hayseeds in my mind) to some other corporate entity in 1996 (link). Which was quite a feat, as Martin had been dead for five years (link).

I’m sure it all makes sense.

CNN.com – Berlusconi: I’m Christ of politics – Feb 12, 2006

Okay, I’m getting a late start. The “Christ of Politics” is taken now, so I can’t be that. And nobody can be bigger or taller than Christ because of the Beatles. Being just plain “Jesus Christ” is a dubious career move and gets you locked up with all the other Jesus Christs in the Jesus Christ ward of the local asylum. So what’s left?

I can’t be the Jesus Christ of Petroleum or the Jesus Christ of LDS (and by extension I can’t be the Jesus Christ of LSD because that would only confuse people). I wouldn’t consider being Jesus Christ of Mideastern Folklore Fame even if it were available, because I can’t figure out how to casually mention that at parties. The Jesus Christ of Sound is out, as is the Jesus Christ of College Basketball and the Jesus Christ of the Bicycle, of the Activist Movement, of Partying Day, of Stand Up, of Golf, of Train Stations, of the French Revolution, and of Tuna. I can’t be the Jesus Christ of yore, my time, my day, modern times, the millenium or the Cyber Future. Jesus Christs of the tax code, of Superheroes, and of post-autowork skin cleaning products have also been spoken for. I can’t even be the Jesus Christ of Lubbock, Texas; I checked.

That leaves only one thing, of course, and I’m taking it now while the taking is good. I am the Jesus Christ of Whirlpool and Maytag appliance remanufacturing.

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the comics. Burning and killing, too, but mostly talk. Last week it struck me that I hadn’t actually seen the Danish cartoons in question, and therefore didn’t really have an opinion about them. This weekend I finally got round to googling the source documents, in order to educate myself. I found one of the toons somewhere after a few minutes of looking.

I have to say one thing: the cartoon wasn’t funny. Or clever. It was Muhammad with a bomb in his turban. Granted, it sounds funny when I type it out, but it wasn’t. I want to make that clear. It reminded me of editorial cartoons one might find in local newspapers by local artists who may think they know what’s clever or funny, but really haven’t a clue. The Sun Herald has an editorial cartoonist who fits that description, a guy named Lockley, who can’t do funny or clever to save his soul, but, bless him, keeps plugging away at it month after bitter month. I assume he’s a family man.

The cartoon was a failure in the only way it matters. And while I can understand people’s taking umbrage over the subject matter, those who take umbrage to the extent that they burn and kill are clearly sociopathic yahoos. Be that as it may. The fundamental questions that we should ask ourselves, given the last few troubling days, are these: What makes a cartoon funny? and How can unfunny cartoons be made funny?

Looking at the comics page in my local newspaper, I see a total of 23 strips. Out of that total, two are funny and need no improvement: Pooch Cafe and Arlo & Janis. Three are so completely unfunny, whether by design or not, that no amount of editing can possibly help: Rex Morgan, Crankshaft, and the abominable Funky Winkerbean. And of course, one is Classic Peanuts, the lurching zombie of the comics page, which fills me with horror to see it there still in the paper, moldy and stinking of death.

That leaves seventeen strips that, with a little help, could be made funny. Strips like Blondie, and Dilbert (You heard me! Scott Adams has been mailing it in for years now!), Shoe and the Family Circus. Ziggy. Even BC is not beyond help, if Johnny Hart were but to open up his shriveled soul to receive it.

And it wouldn’t take much to help! Just a word here and a word there. For example, this BC is devoid of humor:

whereas, through the magic of editing, it becomes this:

Hilarious.

Similarly, today’s Garfield

can, by massaging the dialogue slightly, be changed into this gem:

But what’s that, you say? Even though the dialogue’s improved, you’re still forced to see the artistically lazy image of Garfield not changing in the slightest way through three panels? Forced to bear the shitty arrogance and unbridled contempt for his audience displayed by Jim Davis, who spends more time drawing little circles over the i’s in his name than drawing the actual strip itself? Here, I fixed that, too, with a few deft touches of shading:

All it takes is a little effort.

CNN.com – Dean: Cheney may have broken law – Feb 13, 2006

Okay, so it’s not about shooting up his crack-ho girlfriend’s pickup truck during a drug transaction gone bad, but I think we can now agree that it’s only a matter of time.

Also, there’s this from the hunting accident report:

“Mr Whittington’s interview collaborated Vice President Cheney’s statement.”

Freudian slip or Yokellian screw-up? I’m leaning towards Yokelism, but really, with these people, you never know.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Wanted for questioning in connection with a brutal assault. Last seen fleeing the vicinity in a large black limousine with an American flag on one bumper and the Seal of the Vice President of the United States on the other. Believed armed and dangerous, caustic, and extremely nasty. IF SIGHTED, DO NOT APPROACH! Call your nearest law enforcement agency.

CNN.com – Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter – Feb 12, 2006

I never wish to be

1. Fused to a couch
2. Surrounded by squalor
3. Surrounded by squalor, fused to a couch

That’s an odd sequence of events that leads to being physically fused to a couch. Ideally, NASA will look into this and recommend a specific brand of heat shield or Tang or something so I can be sure to avoid it.

CNN.com – Cartoon protests turn deadly – Feb 6, 2006

Okay, these headlines are calculated, right?

in other news: some sort of event happened in Detroit, page 11.

SI.com – NFL – Saints will return to Superdome on Sept. 24 – Sunday February 5, 2006 8:42PM