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So President Ford died the other day. [applause]. Yeah, he was, like, 93 years old or something. I found out about it on CNN and I thought ‘Wow, Gerald Ford. About time.’ [laughter]. Not to be mean or anything, but the man was old. So I drove to the post office later in the day and noticed that the flag was at half staff, which surprised me. Usually when I see the flag at half staff, a tragedy’s happened. Some kind of unplanned event, like 9/11 or Pearl Harbor. Or the Alamo. Remember the Alamo? But Ford dying… I’m surprised he lived as long as he did. They should have flown the flag at twice staff every day after he turned 90. ‘Did you hear? Ford’s still alive!’ [laughter, drinks water]. Who tells the flag-flyers when to go to half staff? I figure the color guard was out there the day after he died, kind of looking at each other, you know, inching the flag up the pole, glancing over at the state flag-flyers to see what they were doing. ‘Hey; Michigan’s going past 3/4 staff! Is that right? What do we do?!’ [laughter]. And that’s just wrong, because you can’t depend on Michigan to show you the way. It’s a state. When’s the last time somebody died for their state? The US flag they fold up neatly and burn when it gets tattered. It’s a tradition. Old state flags they traditionally wad up and toss into the trash compactor. City flags? What does Los Angeles do with its flags when they’re worn out? Reverently recycle them into Denny’s placemats? [applause] I don’t know. But, 93, man; that’s old. That’s more than twice as old as I am. Which is comforting, in a way: people twice as old as I am can still be alive. That’s good, right? I’m not looking forward to the day when I can’t say that anymore. A day’s coming when I can’t say that. Because people twice as old as me won’t be old, they’ll be dead. [applause].

Brian, have your people give me a call. We’ll do lunch.

I think my best bet is to chuck it all and become a wise elder in a jungle tribe in Sumatra. I could totally do it. I’m probably older than 90% of wise Sumatran elders, and I’ve noticed several things about the stars and the weather. Probably more than enough to put other elders to shame. I’d have to bone up on which berries are poisonous and which tentacled things positively melt in your mouth, but that’s where the internet comes in.

I’d totally own that tribe, as long as I could learn the language prior to being beaten senseless and eaten by those I aim to replace. Ideally, they’d never see it coming. One day a friendly white stranger comes into camp with bags of potato chips and cotton candy, the next day the entire tribal intelligentsia are out on their asses looking for work as tentacle dowsers in the next valley over.

“I have the energy of a bear that has the energy of two bears!”

Living off rats to survive in Zimbabwe - CNN.com

Zimbabwe’s ambassador to United States, Machivenyika Mapuranga, told CNN on Tuesday that reports of people eating rats unfairly represented the situation, adding that at times while he grew up his family ate rodents.“The eating of the field mice — Zimbabweans do that. It is a delicacy,” he said. “It is misleading to portray the eating of field mice as an act of desperation. It is not.”

Other things the ambassador declared his people now consider delicacies: grass, shoe leather, petrified monkey shit, and rocks.

Western journalists aren’t allowed in Zimbabwe.

Person of the Year

First of all, I’d like to thank all the little people I’ve stepped on and over on my way to the top. I couldn’t have done it without you and the friction that your various body parts supplied to the bottom of my sneakers. Second, let me say that it’s a real honor and a privilege to be named Time’s “Person of the Year,” especially in light of all the competition: Middle East warlords, Korean warlords, American cowboys, William Gray, and the rest.* I’m touched that Time would see fit to acknowledge my contributions in the areas of internet surfing, beer drinking, and potato chip consumption. I didn’t think anyone really noticed, except for my wife and the check-out people down at the supermarket. Thanks guys! I love you all!

“comic strip” cursing symbols - Google Search

I think this is the first comics cursing that I’ve ever seen to use “pi” in its symbology. Which is blog-worthy enough for me. But then I wondered if comics cursing symbols had a name, so I wouldn’t have to keep saying “comics cursing symbols.” I don’t think they do. Let me know if I’m wrong. But in the interest of brevity and the all-consuming desire to be first, I want to propose a name: “cursicals.” If that doesn’t work, perhaps “cursiphors.” Or, to introduce a little irony into the mix, “fucksicals.”

There, I’m first.

Most (if not all) of the sub-pages are broken right now, including comments and the tabs at the top. You’ll get a 404 error if you try anything. I’ll try to fix it later in the week when I have more time.

Update: Okay, it was an .htaccess thing, not a global file permission thing, so it was fairly easy to run down. The weird “category” hiccup on the right is not nearly so easy, since I recall I had to change a couple lines in a particular file to make that work a few months ago, and I don’t have time to figure out which file that is. It’s pure aesthetics, but it’s going to bug me until I fix it. That one gets put on the backburner, though.

Update 2: fixed.

42-17! In Dallas! It dudn’t get any better en dat.

A Man & His Mountain.

“I’ve had a few different jobs, a few different apartments and a lot of girlfriends, but one mountain,” he says. “And it’s the thing that never lets me down.”

I remember reading about this guy during his streak. He ended up climbing Mt Monadnock every day for 2,850 consecutive days before a bout with pneumonia stopped him.

It’s another Google conquest: I didn’t remember who it was, which mountain, or how long ago it happened. All I knew is that, eventually, I would succeed in re-discovering the story. The golden search terms: “climbs the mountain” and “every day.” Seems kind of obvious, now, but you’d be surprised.

I want a magic mirror, and a home windmill, and an incredibly expensive electric car. I want a locator-thing because I’m too lazy to make my own, a floating bed, and a toy horse-racing track because the actors are so excited about it. These are things I have to have in order to live, Santa. Don’t let me down.

Loc8tor Ltd

I thought of it first. If my computer hadn’t exploded last month, I’d have proof.

The major difference between this product and the product in my head is that the product in my head is much cheaper.

FoxTrot waltzes its way into early retirement | Chron.com - Houston Chronicle

It hasn’t been all that good for at least a few years, but still. Also in the story: Boondocks is apparently “officially canceled” instead of on hiatus.

It’s definitely better than watching the slow lapse into repetition and listlessness that befalls most strips. Or the chilling be-vampiring that befalls the biggest cash cows: Peanuts is like the movie monster that just won’t die no matter how many stakes the heroine drives into its heart.