Baseball has one major problem: not enough serious injuries. A lot of baseball’s so-called injuries are just “a strained this” or “a sore whatchamacallit.” In today’s culture that’s not good enough. Fans are crying out for someone to be hurt really badly. So, to raise the injury level, what I would do is place thirty to forty land mines in the outfield; the kind of mines that spray thousands of tiny nails when they explode. Not only would this add excitement, it would also provide a refreshing element of surprise: “There’s a high, lazy fly ball to right field. O’Neill drifts over, pats his glove . . .” BOOOOOOM! “Holy fuckin’ shit! Oh, good Lord! Oh, precious, precious Lord!”

George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty

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