Category Archives: curmudgeonhood

cnn’s helpful hints on Ebola identification

“Ebola’s symptoms: Five you need to know” Actual headline on cnn.com. “Martian Invasion: will the Dow be affected?” can’t be far behind. First of all, I’d walk through the newsroom and fire everyone tapping on their cellphones. You and you … Continue reading

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those traveling wilburys

The first album I ever bought from a *store* was ‘On the Third Day’ by ELO. As a proto-collector, I went on to buy several other ELO albums as my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th albums that I bought at a … Continue reading

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Internal go-to replies

From Wikipedia’s newest content: Did You Know… … that Swedish singer Jasmine Kara (pictured) has performed in front of singers Beyoncé Knowles and Jay-Z? One of my standard internal go-to replies to Wikipedia’s “Did You Know” section is “I could … Continue reading

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Federated States of GMAFB

Occasionally I have to input ‘Florida’ in an online address block, and a lot of the time the auto-complete that comes up from the drop-down menu is “Federated States of Micronesia.” I urge the dozen or so people who actually … Continue reading

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Waiter, this milk and honey isn’t very good

It’s becoming clearer with each passing day that everybody on earth who isn’t me is suffering from Asperger’s.

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The barber of Tavernier

Is there anything more traumatic than breaking in a new barber? I mean, besides the things that are? The first hurdle, potentially the unkindest cut, is the first walk through the new door. Please, please, God of Hair and Hair … Continue reading

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The ‘royal wedding’ has its own column, like Business and the environment? IF I COULD REACH OUT AND CRUSH SKULLS

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That Guy

You know the feeling you get when you get caught looking at some girl’s tits, right? Or, even better, the feeling you get when you’ve been watching a child run around, looking cute, then you glance over at the parent … Continue reading

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Freebird Man

Everyone has a superpower. Mine is that I can listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd unironically.

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Mormon creep

I must be the only non-Mormon guy on God’s green earth who finds it sweet that these sweet sweet freaks try to make sure that I and people of my ilk get to Heaven. Sure it’s kind of creepy. I … Continue reading

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It’s all so unseamly

a ten-minute art video composed entirely of appropriated YouTube videos, seamlessly stitched together via a motif of camera drops… I’m saying you never have to say ‘seamlessly.’ If something is stitched together, I will assume a seamless state; you don’t … Continue reading

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Directv vs Cable. Cable.

I’ve had Directv for probably 5 or 6 years now, and I’ll probably keep them until we move. But I’m not happy. It’s not the reception, that’s fine. And I get Comedy Central, which I understand my local cable company … Continue reading

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I certainly wouldn’t call it ‘anal retentiveness’

I am the world’s greatest dishwasher loader. As such, I find it disturbing when I’ve been away and come back to find some simple folk have attempted to load it. There are so many things they don’t know how to … Continue reading

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Psychology: the worthless science

Older people can’t remember who they’ve told what, study suggests It’s just one useless study after another. It’s the same goddamn stuff rehashed decade after decade. To investigate the effects of aging on destination and source memory, researchers recruited 40 … Continue reading

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the ethnography of the liquor people

When I was a kid I wondered whether I’d turn in to one of the guys I read about, guys who ordered hot toddies in cherry-paneled rooms. Guys who smoked meerschaum pipes or large cigars while waiting for the butler … Continue reading

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What to save, what to save

Consider the classic hypothetical scenario: Your house is on fire and you can take only three things with you before the entire structure becomes engulfed in flames. What would you take? This one’s pretty easy for me. There’s not a … Continue reading

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Well, there’s that

When I have a bad day, I try to remember to keep things in perspective.  “At least I wasn’t raped and murdered by Mongols” is a reminder that I give myself that appears to help. I urge you to try … Continue reading

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hybrid fuel economy tall-tale

You know how it’s said that a hybrid gets better city mileage than highway mileage because 1) the gas engine shuts off when the car is stopped, and 2) because of regenerative braking? That’s gotta be bullshit, and here’s why:  … Continue reading

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“People who discovered they would save money if they switched insurance companies saved some average amount of money upon switching”

In a recent commercial for Allstate, Dennis Haysbert intones that drivers who switched from Geico to Allstate saved an average of $396 per year on their auto insurance. He then intones “Surprised?”* Not really, Dennis, and here’s why:  My guess … Continue reading

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those lying, lying liars

You know how scientists and historians are liable to liken the total time civilization has existed versus the total time the earth has existed to “the blink of an eye?” At the drop of a hat? I’ve always taken their … Continue reading

Posted in big idea, curmudgeonhood, humor, original research, science | 5 Comments