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Governments are in the business of redistributing wealth. That’s what they do. Political parties make it their business to direct this redistribution in the way that suits them; that’s what they do. My party, the Republican Party, makes it its business to redistribute wealth in a way that suits the captains of business and industry, our only real constituents. That’s what we do.

This is a challenging task, of course, because this constituency is very small. To facilitate the process, we as republicans must create a much larger, nominal constituency that supports this aim. The cheapest way to do this is to support issues that are cost-free yet also lead large sections of the electorate to vote for us without realizing they are voting against their own best economic interests. These fear grenades–abortion, flags, the pledge of allegiance, handguns–disguise the real aim of the party, which is to funnel wealth toward the rich. It’s just that simple!

How does one become rich enough to benefit from republican policy? I mean, how do you gain enough wealth to benefit from real republican policy, instead of the cheap, red-meat issues with which we chum the waters to attract your support?

First of all, it’s important to understand that the Republican Party doesn’t want you to be rich. We are already rich; all of our friends are, too. The only thing we want from you is your vote, which will enable us and all our friends to keep buying expensive things while people who aren’t our friends work hard for little benefit. But if, by chance, you somehow become rich–despite the rules and regulations that we have put in place to prevent this from happening–you will be allowed to become our friend. That’s what makes this country great! And if, by some chance, you become rich, then lose it all through illness or serendipity, you will no longer be our friend. It’s a tough world! But please continue to vote for your old friends, because maybe, just maybe, you will become rich again.

I ask you to keep in mind that the future is a magical place where anything can happen. In the magical future, you are not poor. And while it may be true that your former friends are laughing at you in contempt while you continue to vote for them, belief in the magical future still allows you to laugh in contempt at the other poor people around you who vote for republicans because they have been directed to fear non-bible thumping and non-allegiance pledging. And don’t despise your former friends for continuing a policy here or there that allows poor people to continue to be poor instead of dead; throwing a few bones to the hoi polloi is, regrettably, necessary to avoid having to step over their lifeless bodies in the streets, civil war, and the Wall. We republicans have great respect for the Wall, and would prefer that the rest of you never get smart and line us up against it.

So here’s to magical thinking, fear grenades, and the inability to understand how desperately fucked you really are.

Thank you for your support!

Editor’s note: Because this universe’s New Orleans Saints have fallen apart quicker than 2 dollar tennis shoes and crushed the hopes and dreams of millions of fans who felt that maybe, MAYBE this was the year that the Saints would actually put to rest the “flash in the pan” talk that so ineluctably rises the year after the team does anything good, we’ve asked the ectostan in Alternate Universe #35 to speak today about how it feels to live in a world in which Sean, Drew, Deuce, Reggie, et al have been playing up to the hype and crushing their opponents so thoroughly that there has been talk around the league of instituting a 60 point “mercy rule” that would come into play at the beginning of the 4th quarter.

Ectostan: “How does it feel to inhabit such a magical world?”

Ectostan 35: “It feels great!”

The New Orleans Saints: 2 and 0 with no real competition on the horizon. We now return you to your normal, painfully predictable existence.

President Bush Discusses War on Terror, Economy with Associated General Contractors of America

Q: … second is a personal question. What do you pray about, and how we can we pray for you?
A: … The fact that you would ask the question, how can I pray for you, speaks volumes about the United States of America. I have been amazed by the fact that millions of Americans of all faith, all political backgrounds, pray for me and Laura. And it is unbelievably sustaining. It is comforting. It is humbling to be prayed for. Wisdom and strength, and my family, is what I’d like for you to pray for.

My prayer is that you become a goddamn footnote in history.

First phase of Iraq war plan to begin early February - CNN.com

Democrat Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois asked Rice:
“What leverage do we have that would provide us some assurance that six months from now, you will not be sitting before us again saying, ‘Well, it didn’t work?’ ”

Rice replied, “The leverage is, we’re not going to stay married to a plan that’s not working in Baghdad.”

First, it’s a little late to have a “first phase of Iraq war plan.” A little tardy. Second, Rice’s reply to Obama is meaningless, in that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s like someone asked her “How can we be sure you won’t eat the meatloaf?” and she said “You can be sure because the meatloaf will be eaten if I do.” It’s nonsensical; it’s a political koan. Third, this escalation is going to happen whether I rant about it or not, whether I think it will be a horrible debacle or not. Given that, I don’t think it’s awful to hope against all evidence and common sense that it will work. It won’t work, it will be a horrible debacle, but W has the authority, the power, and the mindlessly compulsive pig-headedness to do it anyway. So here’s hoping it works.

The end of the Bush era can’t come soon enough.

Person of the Year

First of all, I’d like to thank all the little people I’ve stepped on and over on my way to the top. I couldn’t have done it without you and the friction that your various body parts supplied to the bottom of my sneakers. Second, let me say that it’s a real honor and a privilege to be named Time’s “Person of the Year,” especially in light of all the competition: Middle East warlords, Korean warlords, American cowboys, William Gray, and the rest.* I’m touched that Time would see fit to acknowledge my contributions in the areas of internet surfing, beer drinking, and potato chip consumption. I didn’t think anyone really noticed, except for my wife and the check-out people down at the supermarket. Thanks guys! I love you all!

Scientists help bodies grow new organs.

A team of scientists and surgeons at a Melbourne hospital has developed a method of growing new organs within a patient’s body.

The article goes on to say that I’m not going to get a new liver or forearm next week. So it’s another false alarm.

I just want a little shot of amazing news to tide me over. Aren’t we due? I think we’re due. I think the last mind-blowing news was when the Berlin Wall came down. What was that, ‘90? And don’t get me started on amazing health news; it’s been a goddamn biblical drought around here.

You people have rested on your “We’ve eradicated smallpox” laurels for one hell of a long time. You need to get back to work! Cure cancer and heart disease already! I mean, Jesus! Look at the time!

I want to start a formal petition to God, requesting a fabulous omen. I think I could get a lot of signatures.

Not only Nader, but anyone who voted for a 3rd party candidate: I apologize. I apologize because, in 2000, I remember pitying you bastards who woke up on election Tuesday and thought “Today I’m going to throw my vote away.”

That’s what I thought you thought. The stupefying innocence of a vote for someone who wasn’t the Democratic candidate was breathtaking to me. The cavalier way I thought you flushed your vote down the toilet, when so much was at stake, when instead you could have—if you’d just used your head—voted for the anti-Bush, was remarkable. I know; I remarked on it for several years.

Things have changed. Last week, I could’ve voted for anyone my little heart desired, and the outcome would’ve been exactly the same. So I’m embarrassed that I ever thought of you as naive. Who was I kidding, anyway? Last week, I could’ve voted for the Michelin Man and gotten exactly the same results.

I’m not being facetious at all, although it sounds like I’m bordering on it.

Epiphanies don’t happen very often for me. This latest one will require me to never vote pragmatically again.

Because, you know, pragmatism isn’t worth it, if you lose anyway.