Category Archives: humor
It has been said that my new bumper sticker “How’s my drinking & driving? Call 555-1234” could be improved by adding “Hail, Satan” to the bottom.
You never see any thalidomide babies anymore, you ever notice that?
I see a young lover with a flower, with hope, with trepidation, pulling petals away, murmuring “He shits me; he shits me not.” That’s how I see it.
I think the real question is “Do you feel sexier now that bin Laden is dead?” A: Yes, 15% sexier.
You know the feeling you get when you get caught looking at some girl’s tits, right? Or, even better, the feeling you get when you’ve been watching a child run around, looking cute, then you glance over at the parent … Continue reading
This next piece is called “Songs, Week 53 Sort 1:” Songs, Week 53 Sort 1 1. Happy Birthday to You
I call this next piece “Day 17,455 Sort 32:” Day 17,455 Sort 32 1. that french fry 2. World Peace 3. new shoes
People always askin me how I am or how I been doin. Or they say “Hi!” and wave a hand. Anybody else get that? Seems like it happens to me almost every day. It’s weird, man.
I am the world’s greatest dishwasher loader. As such, I find it disturbing when I’ve been away and come back to find some simple folk have attempted to load it. There are so many things they don’t know how to … Continue reading
My dream night before last: I approach Sir John Gielgud at an interior hotel atrium overlook, saying “out of the way, I’m going to jump.” Sir John smiles, gives me a hug and says something sweet, witty and condescending I … Continue reading
Scientist in lab coat peering into microscope looking at a slide that is somehow obviously labeled “Formula 408” saying “God DAMN it!”
When I was a kid I wondered whether I’d turn in to one of the guys I read about, guys who ordered hot toddies in cherry-paneled rooms. Guys who smoked meerschaum pipes or large cigars while waiting for the butler … Continue reading
I could totally go for a kick-ass, homemade margarita right now. Right. Now. But I have no ingredients. I don’t even know what goes in a margarita; spanish-speaking persons in dimly lit restaurants make almost my entire yearly intake of … Continue reading
No one talks about Fight Club anymore, you ever notice that?
I was listening to “Don’t Fear the Reaper” the other day For probably the first time in a long time My heart was in my throat, wishing them well In their mighty trek around all those helper verbs Through that … Continue reading
Adriano Celentano takes a stab at sounding like he’s singing English without really singing English: If this is what Italians think English speakers sound like, we sound pretty frickin awesome. And talk about our dance moves!
You know how it’s said that a hybrid gets better city mileage than highway mileage because 1) the gas engine shuts off when the car is stopped, and 2) because of regenerative braking? That’s gotta be bullshit, and here’s why: … Continue reading