Category Archives: humor

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“Do you feel safer now that bin Laden is dead?” cnbc poll

I think the real question is “Do you feel sexier now that bin Laden is dead?” A: Yes, 15% sexier.

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That Guy

You know the feeling you get when you get caught looking at some girl’s tits, right? Or, even better, the feeling you get when you’ve been watching a child run around, looking cute, then you glance over at the parent … Continue reading

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Songs, Week 53 Sort 1

This next piece is called “Songs, Week 53 Sort 1:” Songs, Week 53 Sort 1 1. Happy Birthday to You

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Day 17,455 Sort 32

I call this next piece “Day 17,455 Sort 32:” Day 17,455 Sort 32 1. that french fry 2. World Peace 3. new shoes

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Hi!

People always askin me how I am or how I been doin. Or they say “Hi!” and wave a hand. Anybody else get that? Seems like it happens to me almost every day. It’s weird, man.

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I certainly wouldn’t call it ‘anal retentiveness’

I am the world’s greatest dishwasher loader. As such, I find it disturbing when I’ve been away and come back to find some simple folk have attempted to load it. There are so many things they don’t know how to … Continue reading

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Sir John Dreaming

My dream  night before last: I approach Sir John Gielgud at an interior hotel atrium overlook, saying “out of the way, I’m going to jump.” Sir John smiles, gives me a hug and says something sweet, witty and condescending I … Continue reading

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Because stick figures aren’t what I had in mind #3

Scientist in lab coat peering into microscope looking at a slide that is somehow obviously labeled “Formula 408” saying “God DAMN it!”

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the ethnography of the liquor people

When I was a kid I wondered whether I’d turn in to one of the guys I read about, guys who ordered hot toddies in cherry-paneled rooms. Guys who smoked meerschaum pipes or large cigars while waiting for the butler … Continue reading

Posted in curmudgeonhood, humor, original research | 1 Comment

A glass of grape juice with salt on the rim would not be the same thing

I could totally go for a kick-ass, homemade margarita right now. Right. Now. But I have no ingredients. I don’t even know what goes in a margarita; spanish-speaking persons in dimly lit restaurants make almost my entire yearly intake of … Continue reading

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Fight Club

No one talks about Fight Club anymore, you ever notice that?

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What to save, what to save

Consider the classic hypothetical scenario: Your house is on fire and you can take only three things with you before the entire structure becomes engulfed in flames. What would you take? This one’s pretty easy for me. There’s not a … Continue reading

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Rock n Remus

I was listening to “Don’t Fear the Reaper” the other day For probably the first time in a long time My heart was in my throat, wishing them well In their mighty trek around all those helper verbs Through that … Continue reading

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Prisencolinensinainciusol, alright?

Adriano Celentano takes a stab at sounding like he’s singing English without really singing English: If this is what Italians think English speakers sound like, we sound pretty frickin awesome. And talk about our dance moves!

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hybrid fuel economy tall-tale

You know how it’s said that a hybrid gets better city mileage than highway mileage because 1) the gas engine shuts off when the car is stopped, and 2) because of regenerative braking? That’s gotta be bullshit, and here’s why:  … Continue reading

Posted in curmudgeonhood, humor, original research, science | 3 Comments

“Good for him!”

I started riding my bicycle again this week for the first time in a long time. You’ve probably seen me on the road; I’m that guy you pass that you look at for a couple seconds, then say, “Well, good … Continue reading

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Can People Levitate?

“Can people levitate?” “‘Can people levitate?’” “Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have asked.” “‘Can people levitate?’” “Don’t…. I mean, it’s ‘No,’ isn’t it?” “…… Yes, it is ‘No.’”

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those lying, lying liars

You know how scientists and historians are liable to liken the total time civilization has existed versus the total time the earth has existed to “the blink of an eye?” At the drop of a hat? I’ve always taken their … Continue reading

Posted in big idea, curmudgeonhood, humor, original research, science | 5 Comments

Signs: two responses

And the sign said anybody caught trespassing would be shot on sight So I jumped on the fence and yelled at the house, Hey! what gives you the right To put up a fence to keep me out or to … Continue reading

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