Category Archives: quotes

Trump is a moron.

In a Vanity Fair story: “Recent allegations made by media commentator Judge Andrew Napolitano about G.C.H.Q. being asked to conduct ‘wiretapping’ against the then president-elect are nonsense,” the British spy agency said in a notably pointed statement. “They are utterly … Continue reading

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Quotes updated to modern sensibilities

“WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THAT UNGRATEFUL COCKSUCKER?”  — Henry II “My name is Lex Luthor.” –Satan, Mark 5/9 “THAT GUY CALLS HIMSELF A FUCKING WRITER. AND SHE CAN’T FUCKING WRITE, EITHER.” –Mark Twain on James Fenimore Cooper and … Continue reading

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RIP Lou

Love has gone away and there’s no one here now, and there’s nothing left to say; but, oh, how I miss him, baby.

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baseball

Baseball has one major problem: not enough serious injuries. A lot of baseball’s so-called injuries are just “a strained this” or “a sore whatchamacallit.” In today’s culture that’s not good enough. Fans are crying out for someone to be hurt … Continue reading

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ninety days

One time Fat found a posted notice that fascinated him. The notice stipulated what could not be done, in order of descending importance. Near the top of the list all parties concerned were told: NO ONE IS TO REMOVE ASHTRAYS … Continue reading

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Greek Mythology

“Now keep in mind that the typical Greek myth goes something like this: innocent shepherd boy is minding his own business, an overflying god spies him and gets a hard-on, swoops down and rapes him silly; while the victim is … Continue reading

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oral surgery

Disingenuously—as if wisdom teeth normally grew someplace completely different—they all pointed out that the wisdom teeth were buried deep, deep, deep in Randy’s head. The lowers were so far back in his jaw that removing them would practically break the … Continue reading

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hysterical

“Okay, then if it’s a hysterical pregnancy I’ll get a hysterical abortion and pay for it with hysterical money.” Arctor said, “I wonder whose face is on the hysterical five-dollar bill.” “Well, who was our most hysterical President?” “Bill Falkes. … Continue reading

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Men

“See, you are being a little paranoid here and focusing on the negative too much. It’s not about how women are deficient. It’s more about how men are deficient. Our social deficiencies, lack of perspective, or whatever you want to … Continue reading

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planes

He knows a couple of guys who fly airplanes, and he can still remember how he felt when he learned that you can’t just get in a plane (even a small one) and take off—you have to have a flight … Continue reading

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plan

You can go into battle with the clearest, simplest, smartest plan ever devised, worked out by Annapolis-trained, battle-hardened Marine officers, and based upon tons of intelligence. But ten seconds after the first trigger has been pulled, shit is happening all … Continue reading

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safe

Behind that dial is a bunch of mechanical stuff that has gotten Waterhouse completely pissed off, driven him into a frantic state. By manipulating this dial in some way, he should be able to tease that mechanical stuff into some … Continue reading

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“We bury your dead and their reputations. We bury you. We are the centuries.” —Walter M Miller, A Canticle for Leibowitz

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“Any intelligent entity from Arcturus would instantly have perceived us to be, basically, a race of impassioned after-dinner speech-makers.” —Walter M Miller, A Canticle for Leibowitz

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“It is early in November of 1942 and a simply unbelievable amount of shit is going on, all at once, everywhere.” —Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

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“Here’s an optical illusion you can try at home. Take a pencil and make a small black dot in the middle of an ordinary piece of paper. Cover your left eye and stare at the dot from a distance of … Continue reading

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