Category Archives: third person

The leftover

There once were a million stories. Most of them were about stolid people doing stolid things. These I threw out. Some were tales of bad men prevailing or of incurious gods or of men conquered by the probabilities. I threw … Continue reading

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there you go again

GOP WAR ROOM, OXFORD, MS, 7:30PM, CDT HANDLER: Okay, let’s go through it one more time, Senator. When you come out onto the podium, what do you do? McCain: I shake hands. HANDLER: Right, right. But what do you NOT … Continue reading

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40 winks

— I felt like I only got 40 winks last night. — You know “40 winks” is considered a good night’s sleep, right? — Not by me, it isn’t. “40 winks” sounds like something I could do on the sofa … Continue reading

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Million Dollar Idea #3: McNeely’s Amazing Toad Ramp

Do you tire of fishing dead toads out of your pool day after day? Do you fear that your pet might fall in one day while you are busy elsewhere and drown? Your pet, I mean? Perhaps neighborhood toddlers climb … Continue reading

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Colonel Vespers comes clean

“I mean, it’s not really a form of art, though, is it? It’s a series of thoughts that don’t follow one another elegantly. It’s not what I meant to do.” “You still like the novel, don’t you?” “I do. I … Continue reading

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the winner

“What are you in for?” “I’m a grifter. They caught me grifting.” “Really.” “Yep.” “What is grifting, anyway?” “What is grifting?” “Yeah, I’ve always wondered that.” “Well, it’s when you pull a scam on somebody. Like a guy thinks you … Continue reading

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this is unacceptable

Dear God, while we commend You for acting on our petition in a timely manner, this act is not quite what we were looking for. Frankly, we expected more from You in the portents department. A giant explosion, the largest … Continue reading

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Online “Classic Peanuts” Put on 2-week Delay

above: Charlie Brown. Santa Rosa, CA (AC)— The late Charles Schulz’s comic strip “Peanuts” has been placed on a two week online delay by United Feature Syndicate due to contractual obligations, said syndicate spokesman Tad Bowman. “Even apart from the … Continue reading

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