Category Archives: thought lozenges

Rough draft

“Beware March 15th. It’s next week, I think it’s a Thursday.”

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Calculus and monsters

It is perfectly logical for a child to believe in monsters. Most things she experiences are the first time she’s experiencing them. That something hasn’t happened to her yet is meaningless; most things haven’t happened to her yet. She has … Continue reading

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That Guy

You know the feeling you get when you get caught looking at some girl’s tits, right? Or, even better, the feeling you get when you’ve been watching a child run around, looking cute, then you glance over at the parent … Continue reading

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Songs, Week 53 Sort 1

This next piece is called “Songs, Week 53 Sort 1:” Songs, Week 53 Sort 1 1. Happy Birthday to You

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Day 17,455 Sort 32

I call this next piece “Day 17,455 Sort 32:” Day 17,455 Sort 32 1. that french fry 2. World Peace 3. new shoes

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Worst Case

“I’ll try to get there by 5. I might be delayed until 5:30 depending on traffic; worst case is that I’m fed feet-first into a wood chipper then spend eternity knowing that everyone I knew and loved secretly thought I … Continue reading

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“Good for him!”

I started riding my bicycle again this week for the first time in a long time. You’ve probably seen me on the road; I’m that guy you pass that you look at for a couple seconds, then say, “Well, good … Continue reading

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hands

Whenever I watch The Colbert Report, I find my eyes drawn to Stephen’s hands and the way he moves them. He has extremely graceful hands, fascinating to watch; like two nervous birds attached way out there on the ends of … Continue reading

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Forward metaphor

In some cars, the ‘skip to the next song’ button is an arrow pointing right, and to the right of the ‘play’ button. Which makes sense for Western civilization, because that’s how we read. Things to the left are things … Continue reading

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What day did it happen?

Roman calendar – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The fact that we use the same month names as the Romans encourages us to assume that a Roman date occurred on the same Julian date as its modern equivalent. This assumption is … Continue reading

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a rictus of agony

I guess it says a little something about the things I read that I recognize this as a very tired cliche.

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A kid’s job

A kid’s job is to figure out who he or she is as quickly as possible. A kid’s next job is to start being that person and no one else. That way, the kid wastes no time with people who … Continue reading

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the fail

I don’t watch much television. It’s not that I’ve become an unbelievably productive person because I don’t fritter all that time away in front of the tube anymore–I haven’t–it’s just that the bulk of my frittering is done in front … Continue reading

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astronauts & diapers

Remember the scene in The Wizard of Oz where they all fall asleep in the poppy field?

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a bit for Brian Regan

So President Ford died the other day. [applause]. Yeah, he was, like, 93 years old or something. I found out about it on CNN and I thought ‘Wow, Gerald Ford. About time.’ [laughter]. Not to be mean or anything, but … Continue reading

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SAT

Orgasm is to Little Death as 1. Pain is to Little Sphincter 2. Love is to Little Crime 3. Thought is to Little Sphincter 4. Sleep is to Little Oblivion Answer 4. Sleep is to Little Oblivion, because the other … Continue reading

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you know who you remind me of?

Yesterday a stranger-woman at work came up to me and said “You look just like this guy who used to work here.” [hmyeswellhrmphchortle] A couple minutes later I noticed her across the room pulling somebody aside and pointing at me. … Continue reading

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the thing that kills me

Sometime in the last year or two I suspect I’ve read about the malady that will kill me. It could be complications of osteoporosis, or some cancer, or emphysema, pneumonia, lupus, multiple sclerosis, or diabetes. It could be a lot … Continue reading

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no time

A sorrow that’s so sudden and huge and fleeting that there is no time to identify it as sorrow it’s a colossal wave colossal crashing overhead breathtaking because it takes your breath away and no time to savor it. The … Continue reading

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Things that google empty

When I come up with a concise term or phrase that’s well-formed, I naturally assume that someone else has already come up with it. Maybe it’s not used the way I use it, but I assume it’s out there, somewhere … Continue reading

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