everything Chowderhead says

chowder

Sam “Chowderhead” Cohen was a member of the “Jewish Mafia” in the thirties who once upon a time had a mesmerizing picture taken of himself.

“God bless the curmudgeons.”

— Terry

“Perhaps this will refresh your memory.”

— Terry

No matter how many books you pile on top of a dictionary, the word ‘irony’ is still in there.

— Ken or David

“There is not an exception to every rule.”

— Terry

“Most things are completely obvious.”

— Terry

“Your world-view will receive a terrific blow after you discover the faerie corpses decaying in your winter clothes closet.”

— Terry

“Laughter, my friends, is the best medicine. Unless you’re a diabetic; then insulin is the best medicine.”

— Norm McDonald

“You know, Sid, I really like bananas.”

— The Far Side

“I want Bill Maher’s big, dumb vector straightened next.”

— Terry

“I plan to use that knowledge for Evil, of course.”

— David

“Highs will be in the mid to upper 80s tomorrow, but it will feel like your entire life has been a pointless and inexorable march into the abyss.”

— Brian

I hate accidentally surfing past that O’Reilly fuck.

— David

“I think it’s high time we finish the battle of good versus evil once and for all. So we can get back to business as usual in the greatest hemisphere on earth, the WESTERN hemisphere!”

— David

“I considered doing it myself, until I realized that I could accomplish much the same thing simply by jamming pencils into my eyes for a month.”

— Brian

Know what else is weird? We were at war with Vietnam for 20 years or whatever and it never once occurred to them to strap a vest of dynamite around a martyr and blow up something in the United States that whole time.

— David

“We just lay on a blanket on the deck out back and saw no less than countless shooting stars.”

— David

“I love General Thang chicken. Spicy, but not too spicy.”

— David

It was really nice of him to get eaten by that bear for us. He ate up real good.

— Eric

“Gravity is profound out in the mountains. Everything weighs more out there.”

— Terry

“My comment is just an obligatory stipulation that I’m certain we all agree on, which merely arises from my need to be as obvious as possible, in order to thwart the Masons.”

— Terry

“Is the chocolate, is the chocolate on my tooth?
Is the spangle, is the spangle-maker?”

— Terry, Cocteau Twins

“Cover the Earth.”

— Sherwin Williams

“Medical scientists have been resting on their ‘We conquered smallpox’ laurels for one hell of a long time. I’ve gotten kind of embarrassed for them. Get off your asses and cure something, for chrissakes! I mean, shit! Look at the time

— Terry

“There’s some milk in the refrigerator that’s about to expire…and there it goes.”

— King of the Hill

“Sometimes what interests me isn’t entirely the originality of a new idea, but rather the wholly selfish realization that I didn’t come up with it.”

— Terry

“I certainly don’t think communism is viable. I do think we should keep a very close eye on the fucking capitalists.”

— Terry

“Isn’t it nice in this day and age that you can go into your backyard at night and be confident no small things that creep and gibber with slavering jaws will brush against your legs while you stand alone on your deck? I think that’s nice.”

— Terry

Something is correct. Some particular how, the world was made.”

— Terry

“Why is there a big-ass Miller Lite in my fridge?”

— Brian

“There is a change coming, a big change, And riches and store will be nothing worth. He will rise up that was small eyed, And he that was big will fall down.

The time will come, and it’s not far from us, When strength won’t be on the side of authority or law, And the neck will bend that was not bent.

When that time comes, it will come heavily.”

— Irish Proverb

“I’d feel a renewed sense of hope if anthropologists discovered a remote tribe in, say, Papua New Guinea, that cut its sandwiches based on the length of the day. In other words, yesterday would have been the first time in 6 months that the tribe cut its sandwiches exactly in half.”

— Terry

“My God, the hotdogs are quite disordered.”

— John Kennedy Toole

“This cancer ain’t turning on my fetish for lovely creatures.”

— Terry, Brendan Benson

“He prefers the limitless possible kindnesses that come from doing nothing.”

— Terry

“The world and I have been manufactured in such a way that it is inevitable that I will go to hell if certain people are right, and I am wrong.”

— Terry

“God damn Time’s inexorable marching fucking forward.”

— Terry

“I’m forced to admit that the Saints have a unique approach to sucking that can sometimes be mistaken for not sucking at all.”

— Brian

“Dear Diary: another stellar dump. If I’d been outside at the time, clouds would have parted and a ray of light would have illuminated my ass.”

— Terry

“My father worked in the same factory for sixty years. That’s almost eighty years.”

— Family Guy

“We can almost pay ten dollars online to find out where any person is within an error of fifty feet. And I see a day when we can almost pay five dollars.”

— Terry

“Contrary to what they say, it’s not all good.”

— Terry

“I hope I don’t become too jaded to say ‘I told you so’ when they finally line me up against the wall.”

— Terry

“We’ve agreed to bury it here; we’re going to bury it right here.”

— Terry

“I suspect that the reason the universe around us appears quiet and devoid of advanced civilization is because it is.”

— Terry

“A time is coming, and they are afraid of it, when the wall will be used for reasons other than those for which they built it.

When that time comes, it will come heavily.”

— Terry, Irish Proverb

“The worst stuff is not going to happen because we can’t be that stupid.”

— James McCarthy

“The gators? They’ll come. They always do.”

— David

“The Rapture is not a viable exit strategy.”

— Michael L. Weinstein and Reza Aslan

“Clearly the sky is held up by cables.”

— Terry, Matt Pond PA

“I fell out of love with my opinions a long time ago.”

— Brian

“I’m smug, of course, but it’s not a happy smug.”

— Terry

“Now that people have a better understanding of the world and how it works, it’s still possible that Jesus is waiting for us in heaven, but the odds have gotten longer.”

— Terry

“There is no faster way to persuade someone to hold a particular attitude than to demand he hold its opposite.”

— Terry

“If you can’t be bothered, you don’t need to know.”

— Terry

“Too few economists understand that Rational is not a synonym for Good.”

— Terry

“The war’s been going on so long, I can’t remember if I was originally for it or against it.”

— Terry

“If there is a God, His plan is very similar to no plan at all.”

— Brian, Eddie Izzard, weirdly difficult editing by me

“Now will be a billion years ago, eventually.”

— Terry

“There’s something to be said for letting the newspaper headlines roll on without you.”

— Terry

“Pragmatism isn’t worth it if you lose anyway.”

— Terry

“When it’s only necessary to push a button on a very expensive computer in order to profoundly influence events, a profound and secret compulsion to do so will be unavoidable.”

— Terry

“The list of things that sicken me is growing much quicker than the list of things that make me happy.”

— Terry

“Calling Sister Midnight: What can I do about my dream?”

— Iggy Pop

“I’m going to the heaven where they have beer. It’s like Valhalla, but without all the hacking and burning. Pot is there, too. And pizza and dancing girls. It’s going to be a lot of fun.”

— Terry

“He must be feeling ancient up there on the rim of space; 2,000 years and He ain’t been back yet.”

— Robyn Hitchcock

IF I COULD REACH OUT AND CRUSH SKULLS

— Terry

“‘Obligatory winter maintenance period.’ Good one.”

— Terry

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'”

— George Carlin

“We’re in the thick of the middle of the beginning.”

— David

“May God have mercy on your unintentionally ironic soul.”

— Terry

“‘God help you,’ he said on the phone, and we cackled like children.

The storm is still only a thing on television, for a little while longer. The stars are out now.”

— Terry

“Anything that is too big to fail is too big to exist.”

— Simon Johnson

“First they came for the Communists,
And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists,
And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews,
And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then they came for me;
And by that time there was no one left to speak up.”

— Martin Niemöller

“There are differences in the speed things matter.”

— Terry

“Google’s starting to scare me. Google Earth is really good. I’m going to get totally fucked up tonight and slobber on it.”

— Terry

“Marmots attacked us at the camp, which we only managed to drive off by raising our voices slightly and gesturing in a stern manner.”

— Terry

“Who is this great burdensome slavering dog-thing that mediocres my every thought?
I feel like a vacuum cleaner, a complete sucker; it’s fucked up and he is a fucker. But what an enormous and encyclopaedic brain.”

— Nick Cave

“It’s like this: some people are blue-eyed, some people have a recessive gene for dwarfism, some people work for IBM.”

— Terry

“The leaves were just dead enough to be stunning.”

— Brian

“These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.”

— Shakespeare

If we can just make it through the summer.

— Terry

“I used to assume things would get better as I got older. I think we all did.”

— Terry

“8:30: stack a block. 10:15: frame a wall.”

— Terry

“I long for a world in which it’s no longer feasible for CEOs to skim profit off the tops of their businesses and plow that money into yachts and caviar.”

— Terry

California is circling the toilet bowl and, rather than quickly installing some kind of turd-saving device, the voters are squabbling about which candidate should give the handle one final push.

— Eric

“I was most impressed. No one else was impressed, not at all.”

— Iggy Pop

“This is my second and last gasp.”

— Brendan Benson

“Ah, mercury: sweetest of the transition metals.”

— Sealab 2021

“I’d like to thank you all for nothing.”

— Wilco

“There are no more clear days; those days are gone.”

— Terry

“Give a cannibal a fish, and he’s fed for a day. Give a cannibal a fisherman, and he’s fed for a week.”

— Terry

“Here’s an optical illusion you can try at home. Take a pencil and make a small black dot in the middle of an ordinary piece of paper. Cover your left eye and stare at the dot from a distance of about two inches. You will see the Battle of Chancellorsville.”

— George Carlin

“It is early in November of 1942 and a simply unbelievable amount of shit is going on, all at once, everywhere.”

— Neal Stephenson

“Any intelligent entity from Arcturus would instantly have perceived them to be, basically, a race of impassioned after-dinner speech-makers.”

— Walter M Miller

“It’s not all good.”

— Terry

“We bury your dead and their reputations. We bury you. We are the centuries.”

— Walter M Miller, A Canticle for Leibowitz

“You could have done anything, if you wanted
And all your friends and family think that your lucky
But the side of you they’ll never see,
is when you’re left alone with the memories that hold your life together, like glue.”

— The The

“And they had been crucified anyhow. Without dignity. Always for anybody anyhow is to get nailed on it and hang on it and if you drop off they beat.”

— Walter M Miller, A Canticle for Leibowitz

“Would a sign from Heaven slither? An omen or a portent might. The Psalmist’s negotium perambulans in tenebris might. A sidewinder might.”

The slithering stopped suddenly. Was it right behind him? Really, Lord, a sign isn’t absolutely essential. Really, I…”

— Walter M Miller, A Canticle for Leibowitz

“Ask for an omen, then stone it when it comes–de essentia hominum.”

— Walter M Miller, A Canticle for Leibowitz

“The rascals will always miss Nero.”

— Tacitus, The Histories

“Books no longer have the power they once did. Those who kept silent yesterday will remain silent tomorrow.”

— Elie Wiesel, Night

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.”

— Elie Wiesel, Night

“You’re not supposed to smoke in here.”
“And yet, eh?” she said. “And fucking yet.”

— China Mieville, Kraken

“I imagine,” Billy said, “Paul would have disagreed strongly with those who proposed the motion that his incarceration or death were the least bad option. I bet he’d have strongly seconded those who leaned toward not that.”

— China Mieville, Kraken

“This is how it is with insomnia. Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy.”

— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club: a novel

“Someday, he thought, it’ll be mandatory that we all sell the McDonald’s hamburger as well as buy it; we’ll sell it back and forth to each other forever from our living rooms. That way we won’t even have to go outside.”

— Philip K Dick, A Scanner Darkly

“She had objected to his filling out his reports late at night instead of thrilling at the very sight of her.”

— Philip K Dick, A Scanner Darkly

“Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.”

— George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

“It seems like a strange way to kill people. Shaftoe’s not sure if he approves of everything that is implied by this U-boat.”

— Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

“And so for these guys, the war comes down to being sealed up in an airtight drum full of shit and turning valve-wheels and throwing switches on command, and from time to time maybe some officer comes back and tells them that they just killed a bunch of guys.”

— Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

“But crude and clever is intolerable; this is what makes those redheaded ape-men extra double super loathsome.”

— Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

“The locals have installed flower boxes around the pier, and all of them are abloom with some sort of pre-Cambrian decorative cabbage. The effect is not exactly cheerful, but it does give the place a haunted Druidical look, as if Waterhouse is looking at the northwesternmost fringe of some cultural tradition from which a sharp anthropologist might infer the existence of actual trees and meadows several hundred miles farther south.”

— Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

“In war, no matter how much you plan and prepare and practice, when the big day actually arrives, you still can’t find your ass with both hands.”

— Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

“All of these countries are burning resources at a fantastic rate to get their economies stoked up, gambling that they’ll be able to make the jump into hyperspace—some kind of knowledge economy, presumably—before they run out of stuff to sell and turn into Haiti.”

— Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon

“Fat heard in her rational tone the harp of nihilism, the twang of the void. He was not dealing with a person; he had a reflex-arc thing at the other end of the phone line.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“One of God’s greatest mercies is that he keeps us perpetually occluded.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“There’s a photo of her funeral wreaths in my photo album. It’s a color photo so you can see how lovely the wreaths are.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“Fat had to die, or nearly die, to be cured. Or nearly cured.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“After all, no man is infinitely strong; for every creature that runs, flies, hops or crawls there is a terminal nemesis which he will not circumvent, which will finally do him in.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“A cancer patient in remission, then, represents a stepped-up case of the status of all humans; eventually you are going to die.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“In seeing Christ in a vision I correctly said to him, ‘We need medical attention.’”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“‘What exists,’ David said, ‘is God and the Will of God.’ ‘I hope I’m in his will,’ Kevin said. ‘I hope he left me more than one dollar.’”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“Too much medication, I said to myself, remembering Paracelsus, is a poison. This man has been healed to death.”

— Philip K Dick, Valis

“”We have sustained a total and unmitigated defeat . . . We are in the midst of a disaster of the first magnitude. The road down the Danube . . . the road to the Black Sea has been opened . . . All the countries of Mittel Europa and the Danube valley, one after another, will be drawn in the vast system of Nazi politics . . . radiating from Berlin . . . And do not suppose that this is the end. It is only the beginning . . . “

But Churchill was not in the government and his words went unheeded.”

— Winston Churchill, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich

“Let us imagine a coming generation with such intrepidity of vision, with such a heroic penchant for the tremendous.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche

“That’s the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs.”

— George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty

“It was difficult to imagine her raising a child of her own, and chilling to realize that she had.”

— David Sedaris, Naked

“The middle way is no way at all. If we finally fail in this great and glorious contest, it will be by bewildering ourselves in groping for the middle way.”

— John Adams

“Quality of leadership in any revolution is difficult to assess by any criterion other than the eventual outcome.”

— JH Elliott, Empires of the Atlantic World: Britain and Spain in America 1492-1830

“Okay, then if it’s a hysterical pregnancy I’ll get a hysterical abortion and pay for it with hysterical money.”

— Philip K Dick, A Scanner Darkly

“What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable. In action how like an angel; In apprehension how like a god.”

— Shakespeare, Hamlet

“Thirty seconds isn’t long at all unless your lungs are somehow involved.”

— Terry

“The paper holds their folded faces to the floor, and everyday the paperboy brings more.”

— Pink Floyd

“We climb over the stars to tall Tiger Mountain, forcing the lines through the snow.”

— Brian Eno, Taking Tiger Mountain (by strategy)

“Hearing of your trouble has forced me to double my interest in your current affairs.”

— Wire

“Why is Jeff Lynne in The Traveling Wilburys? Did he own the fucking studio or what?”

— Terry

“It’s becoming clearer with each passing day that everybody on earth who isn’t me is suffering from Asperger’s.”

— Terry

“So you pull out a gun and shoot yourself and bury the body deep in an abandoned wheatgerm mine on the outskirts of town.”

— Terry

“The Kingdom is a disgrace to the 18th through 21st centuries.”

— Terry

“One should never become blasé or smug about the meaning of existence, like it’s a hula hoop or something.”

— Terry

“Playing the game of “Battleship” as a child is the root cause of all paranoid conspiracy theories.”

— Dennis

THERE’S SOMETHING GOING ON THAT’S NOT QUITE RIGHT

— Wire

“He was a stupid, pretentious fuck, but he was our stupid, pretentious fuck.”

— Terry

“I talked with them a week ago about the extra bill and the lady said ‘yes, I see where it should be cancelled, but for some reason I am unable to do it.’ She might as well have said, ‘Yes, I see where my ass is, but for some reason I am unable to wipe it.'”

— Scott

“The precision of my loathing is starting to bother me.”

— Terry

“I have a safe. Apparently it’s for cigarettes and shit.”

— Terry

WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT CAST OF UNGRATEFUL COCKSUCKERS?

— Terry

“I’ve been downhearted, baby, ever since the day we met.”

— Leonard & Jane Feather

“Is it enough now to tell me you matter, when you haven’t a clue how to bring me to tears?”

— Echo & the Bunnymen

READ THIS, WATCH THAT

— cnn

“I’m prepared to throw the baby out with the bathwater.”

— Terry

“Love has gone away and there’s no one here now, and there’s nothing left to say.”

— Lou Reed

“The reason why I hate him is because he killed me, and he’s still fucking out there.”

— Terry

“Fuck you, Damone.”

— Fast Times at Ridgemont High

“Many of my bitter enemies technically don’t even know I exist, but if they did know, they’d rather I didn’t.”

— Terry

“With my bare hands I would do this.”

— Terry

“Frankly, I can’t sustain the level of outrage necessary to deal with the cascade of shit that spews out of the media on a daily basis. I don’t know how anyone does.”

— Terry

“May God forgive the baby eaters.”

— Terry

“Stonehenge, while awesome and imposing, is virtually inedible.”

— Terry

“Apalachicola.”

— Terry

“I can remember what Brian’s house smelled like, with its big rooms and Teac tape deck and pool beyond the sliding glass door: it smelled like the seventies.”

— Terry

“There are many ways that we can fantasize that the world is built, but there is only one way that it is really built. The way that it is really built is beyond critique; it is immutable.”

— Terry

“Vienna sausages are almost pure fat, which helps my coat stay lustrous.”

— Terry

“Just another square inch of dirt in Verdun.”

— Terry

“So they called in their hacks and desperate has-beens and this thing, this rough beast, slouched toward Hollywood to be born.”

— Terry

“Where are you now that I need your noise?”

— Iggy Pop, with slight help from me

“I live in a tidy world, populated by unspeakable horrors.”

— Terry

“My neighbor lives in a fantastic dreamworld, in which televised rags-to-riches anecdotal evidence is evidence.

— Terry

“When I talk to you on the phone, well it’s just like being alone.”

— Elliott Smith

“I need you to examine everything I’ve ever done, and tell me how it all went wrong.”

— Terry

“Maybe if the Arabs and Israelis had really kick-ass soccer teams, they wouldn’t need to beat each other stupid.”

— Terry

“It would always be a Sunday evening in November for me, that dead feeling when the mind tries to recalculate the odds of the Saints making the playoffs after yet another game-day fiasco.”

— Terry

“You’re such a fuckhead, Charlie Brown!”

— Terry

“What a piece of work is a man. How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties! In form and moving, how express and admirable in action. How like an angel! In apprehension, how like a god!”

— Shakespeare

“I’m fucking fifty! I’ve only got a few decades left to figure out how to die gracefully! I don’t have time for you or your goddamned ‘throat hit’!”

— Terry

“You’re one dwarf short.”

— Terry

“On a clear day you can see the wolves in the neighbor’s yard.”

“We who live in the now are bafflingly arrogant.”

— Terry

“Q: I’ve noticed that throughout this FAQ you’ve used two spaces after a period.

A: Yeah, I’m not a fucking ANIMAL.”

— Rachel Ward

“As I review the wreckage of my life and my failure to accomplish anything that matters, I am comforted that, in a billion years, Plato and Mark Twain won’t matter either.”

— Terry

“Psychology, as a science, is an embarrassing disaster.”

— Terry

“Beyond taking advantage of us if they can, bears just don’t care. To see something so totally unimpressed with people is a miracle.”

— Terry Vann

“For reference, an extension of a line connecting Bobo’s two hind paws points north to Reginald, which ancient mariners used to sail the oceans. Or so I should’ve been told.”

— Terry Vann

“Trump is the loudest idiot in a roomful of god damned idiots.”

— Terry

“Here’s a thing about being an elitist that didn’t used to be true: if you’re not a god damned moron, you’re an elitist.”

— Terry

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