“Ladies & Gentlemen, men of the press, your Royal Highness,
“We at Blithering Idiot Co are excited about the future. Confidently upbeat. Future-wise, we see ourselves moving forward. And not just moving forward in the sense that everything must move forward in space-time, but in a whole other, more exciting sense that you have to take my word on.
“My predecessor at Blithering idiot, a fine man, led this company on a new path. He dared to lead when others lay back and said ‘It will never work!’ They said ‘The change is too much!’ They said ‘The tank is about to blow!’ Well, I’d just like to say to those doubting Thomases that he was one hundred percent correct, in the sense that two out of three is one hundred percent. And I’d like to build on the successes of this man, this towering hero, by dismantling his initiatives and replacing them with entirely new ones. May he rest in peace going forward.
“Make no mistake, we also plan to learn from our mistakes, if we’ve made any, which we have not. We will learn from these non-mistakes in a looking backward, vibrant fashion. For we at Blithering Idiot regard every mistake that we’ve never made as really an opportunity, an opportunity to improve our synergies and initiatives seamlessly with regard to things.
“So as we stagger from opportunity to opportunity in our march into the future, let us always remember that, even though other companies may tie a bow on a sack of horseshit and call it pretty, we would never, ever do such a thing, unless it were both lucrative and unattributable.
“Thank you and God bless you all.”