I’m 41, so I think it’s time I take vindictive pleasure in being here to see another year rung in despite all my enemies. HOO HA HA! Take that, forces of evil! I made it to another year, despite everything!
I have many enemies, all of which would have taken pleasure in seeing my obituary in the paper last year. Osama Bin Laden, for example, would have liked nothing better than to have thwarted my ability to write ‘2005’ on my checks. Take that, you scum! Also, the manager guy down at Choice Supermarket, who always gives me a stern evil-eye when I come in there to sniff through his beer selection, and two times out of three leave empty-handed because I find it wanting… I’m still alive, you bastard! I’ll be in there in January! Hoo Ha Ha!
Yes, I have a long list of enemies who would like nothing better than to see me reduced to ashes in an urn on somebody’s mantle. Many of my bitter enemies technically don’t even know I exist, but if they did know, they’d rather I didn’t. George Bush, my bitterest enemy, has no clue that I work tirelessly at despising him. I take umbrage at everything he does. Sometimes I go out of my way to seek out his image on the net, just to gaze at him, at his yam head, in revulsion, in order to take umbrage more fully. I do!
I’d like nothing better than to be alone in the same room with him, so I could slap the jesus out of that yammy head.
Also, the kid down the street who picked on my kid last year, who knows I exist, whose name is Caleb or Jebediah or Methuselah; I have a tall-boy of head-slapping jesus with his name on it. It’s next to the pony keg of head-slapping jesus I reserve for the night I’m alone with Rumsfeld.
I made it to 2005, you lousy bastards! I have thwarted you all! HOO HA HA! HOO HA HA!*
From here on out, my New Years’ resolutions will always be the same: to foil my enemies by living to see another year.
*the editors would like to thank Scott Adams for the exclamation “Hoo ha ha,” which connotes just the right mixture of power-drunkenness and diabolism appropriate to mean-spirited New Year’s resolutions. The editors flirted briefly with “Ah hah hah,” but found it lacked a sense of evil intention and depended too much on stark insanity. The simpler “Hah hah” was also considered and rejected.
So props to Mr Adams, even though he’s probably going to find himself in our “Big Book of Bitter Enemies” one of these days, because of his “charming” use of faux guilelessness when he says that he’s only in it for our money. He re-states that in every forward to every compendium he’s ever produced, “charmingly,” and the editors are getting tired of it.